Tough decisions - Praying for a breakthrough

01:41am

Gosh it's sat morn alr n my eyes are still puffy fr. my flu and the lil crying during CG juz now...in fact haf lotsa thots now as I read thru all the encouragement cards and letters fr. the past- Melbourne, LOC, NYCA2 ...my blog entries too..read entries from my other blog too a few days ago..i think these 6 yrs have really been a roller-coaster ride for me, transforming a happy-go-lucky, carefree young gal into an indept, matured lady..

I's really amazing how God has worked in my life..if i were to share my testimonies, i think this entry wld b endless:p but seriously, as I reflected on my life and how i've grown and which areas I'm still lacking in, I realised that God has indeed used ppl, circumstances etc to teach me and mould me into who I am today..

Was sharing in CG juz now abt the things we've learnt in the recent Hope church camp and I shared how God has convicted me to stay on in SG despite my reluctance n v. strong resistance..shall elaborate abt this experience when I have more time. But yar, in short, HE has asked me to stay on in SG n i'm not searchg for a clearer direction- i.e. which job, ministry, area to grow in etc. Have set a "3-yr plan" for myself. 1st to grow myself in the Word, 2nd to be a shepherd, 3rd to lead a CG. I shared with Jieyun too my intention to become a member of the church (yes, despite being in Hope for 2.5yrs liao) as well as my fears and barriers..

I realise that my prob/question has not changed fr. 4yrs ago when I decided to come bk SG fr. Aust. It has always been "God, where shd I go?" And HIS ans has always been SG. So i guess I juz need to convince myself tt God has indeed grt plans for me in SG. I admit along the way in these 4 yrs aft returning bk to SG, I've lost sight of God's plans for me. I've failed to earnestly seek His direction in my life and I've failed to obey Him when He speaks. And because of my defiance/non-chalance, I've been rather stagmant these yrs. Of cos there was the occasional burst of fire as I reached out to ppl ard me and served in small ways and I've learnt alot of things and broke through some of my earlier mindsets, but I've not grown anywhere in terms of ministry and W.O.G. I think what i'm really seeking this time is a breakthrough, not juz the occassional high and fire..

It isn't gonna be an ez decision and I mentioned to Jieyun that I would really need alot of support fr. the CG. I shared with Tony etc juz now tt being alone in SG is difficult for me cos I'm in my hm country wout my family and to me home is where my family is. It's difficult cos all my peers, even CG members, have their family w them but I, being alone, tend to rely on them as family but it forms an expectation gap cos of the different lvls of commitment we expect fr. 1 another. To me, I feel tt it is my fault tt i'm creating such a gap cos my expectations r much higher..guess it's sth i've to overcome but it's tough and wld definitely tk time..

But nonetheless, I feel it's time to commit to the church. I think fear has been and is still stopping me. But when I c how God has used the lives ard me to build His kingdom, I'm so encouraged and envious cos it is sth I wanna do for God! Although i do not know yet the plans He has for me, I'm assured tt He'll definitely use me as long as I'm willing! At times I do feel inadequate but I know also tt when God wants to use us, He'll always equip us! Still rem Daryll telling this to me 4 yrs bk : "When we feel we aren't ready, tt's the time we r actually already ready" It's really juz a matter of taking tt step of faith! And I think all along, I've been ready but I always put God off my saying i'm inadequate, I'm bz, I'm lazy, I'm contented with my life etc. It's really and truly and attitude and the condition of my heart!

It's kinda scary and takes alot of emotional courage for me to mk such a decision, but I believe God truly rewards those who obey Him. Heb 11. This chapter reminded me of how Abraham took the step of faith to leave His ctry and go to an unknown land juz because he wanted to obey God. And how at the end of the day, God blessed him with nations.. I guess this time, I really gotta be more convicted and persevere in doing God's will, relying on His strength n not my own.

Prayer Point: Oh God u noe how difficult it is for me to humble myself..and how difficult it is to "forgo" my family but Lord, I believe in ur Promises and I pray that I would have the courage to tk tt leap of faith and the strength to see it through. It is definitely not by my strength that I stand but through ur grace and love for me.. Thank u for always forgiving me when I disobey,..sorry for always defying u and breaking your heart..Lord, show me the way u want me to go, how u want me to serve, a clearer direction in my life..I pray that u'll open up doors and close those u dowan me to choose. MAke it so clear to methat I am unable to flee cos indeed Lord, Where can I flee from you presence? Father, "search me and know my heart, test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me and lead me in the way everlasting" ~Psalms 139:23-24. I pray for a breakthrough oh Father. May my heart be willing.. I thank u for everything that I've been blessed with so far cos they are from u! In Christ's most precious name, Amen..