Lessons learnt

alot of thots..tried sharing w some sis n bros but sumhow they seemed not attentive or able to identify wat i was sharg so kinda felt brushed aside..ended up quite quiet throughout dinner..cos i din wanna forget wat i was thinkg..juz remained reflective n waitg to go bk hall to blog..

a few things which struck me:

sub d: psalm 51: how God desires to hear our inner truths..how He delights in a broken n contrite heart..it's not abt the works we do n show on e outside but our heart's condition..whether we r truly honest w Him n ourselves or haf we created a facade whereby we do all the 'Holy' Christian stuff but remain stubborn n closed to the Holy Spirit?

But wat really struck me was the lesson He has been tryin to teach me the yest n today..cos when i did my QT last nite..i read Mark 7 on clean n unclean..I was reminded of it durin the sub d sharing by wenjiang..
"These ppl honour me w their lips but their hearts r far from me. They worship me in vain; their teachings r but rules taught by men. U haf let go of the commands o God n r holdg on to the traditions of men."~Mark 7:6b-8

N also "Nothing ourside a man can mk him 'unclean' by gg into him. Rather, it is wat comes our of a man that mks him 'unclean'.~Mark 7:15

It sorta ties in with wat was revealed to me durin corporate prayer too..so in all 3 instances, God was teachg me sth..tt our sins r forgiven as long as we confess them truthfully to Him. It all boils down to our heart condition..wat goes on in our inner thots..wateva it demons we r facing, we've gotta face them bravely n seek God's help in dispelling them fr our lives rather than escape n hide them away, thinkg tt if we dun acknowledge it, it wun bother us..but instead, we will feel tt nagging burden at the bottom of our hearts..tt sense of guilt tt we've sinned..

God doesnt wan to c us go church or b holy for the sake of doin it cos we're christians..but He wans to hear our inner thots..He wans to change us fr the inside out n not fr the outside in..no pt putting up a facade n deceiving ourselves tt we're right with God when we're in truth far fr Him!

Another thot: Pastor Jeff preached today abt the Ethiopian eunuch n Philip in e bk of Acts.He reminded us of the Grt Commission n encouraged us to tk tt step of faith to reach out to frens ard us..it sorta sparked tt passion in me again!but this time i really hope to trust in Him for the salvation of pre-believing frens..mayb cos i've grown up in a traditional church where evangelism wasnt popular..in fact i grew up thinkg tt all evangelism has sum cult-ish roots n tt we've gotta b careful of ppl who evangelise..but as i grow older n experience different churches n understand the Bible more..i realise tt there's nth Satanic abt evangelism.

Evangelism isnt abt tryin to win converts or forcing our ideas on others..but it is instead a way to spread the Good News--that Jesus died for our sins n has risen fr the dead!dun u think it'l b sad if u died b4 knowing such a Grt news!so tho i still haf some struggles w evangelism, i think God is slowly untying these knots tt i've tied in my heart n showg me the real meaning abt evangelism..

God also placed this seed in me..cos i've been thinkg o whether to return to HK aft graduation..it's really a dble edged sword..either way i noe i wld feel sad..but sumhow i felt impressed upon my heart a possibility of helping Hope HK..i've always been a v visionary person..i lyk to think big..but tho i hate to admit it, i've always felt "you xin wu li" (haf the heart but no strength)i feel inadequate n not well-equipped to carry out His work..sumhow i doubt tt i can carry through any plans..i can feel it in my heart tt God has sth big in store for me..but i still dunno wat..i still rem the prophesy my CGL durin Easter camp prophesised for me 3yrs ago..abt how God wld use me to accomplish sth big..i felt tt passion for missions rekindled..suddenly i felt tt mayb..juz mayb..i cld b lyk Philip n the Ethiopian man..how Philip chose to obey God's specific directions even tho he didnt know wat God's plans were for him. He juz followed God's directions to where he found the Ethiopian.wat followed was totally not told to him. He juz took the initiative to share the gospel w him, using the chance tt was laid b4 him..

sumhow i believe God will create an opportunity to reach out to others..we may not know wat His specific plans r for us..but if we pray n ask earnestly, He'l reveal in due time..all we need to do is obey..so juz lyk how i took tt step of faith to return to Sg tho i din know wat was in store for me, i do hope tt i wld b able to tk tt step of faith again when the time He calls me to do His work..i think these 3 yrs in Sg has been a mouldg season for me..i'm not perfect..there's so much things i've gotta learn..humility, forgiveness, patience, love,service..God doesnt change a person overnight..He tks time n pains to mould him/her..sumtimes i wished the process cld b faster but i noe everythg is in His own timing..i've gotta b patient..

yup so mayb perhaps aft exams then i'l talk to xingni or somebody abt this lil seed implanted in mi today..i'm excited to go plant a seed in HK..start a movement or a youth grp or sth..but yet i still feel inadequate n insecure cos i really dunno how to go abt doin it..it's too big scale!heh..but i believe i've juz gotta ctn to trust in His providence..to believe that w God, nth is impossible! "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!"~Phil 4:13

Prayer Point: Lord thank u for ur teaching n revelation into my life these past few days..Exams is here but i'm thankful tt although i spend so much time gg for service n prayer meet n fellowship, Lord, u haf taken tt stress away fr me n instead filled mi w the confidence of ur Promises n love!i pray agst a heart of complacency..as much as i noe u'l bless me, i pray tt i wun b complacent but ctn to study hard for my pprs..Lord i pray tt as i ctn to pray abt my decision whether to go bk HK, u'll reveal ur plans to me. U c my heart oh Lord. U c tt passion to serve. But Lord i pray tt u equip me with the knowledge n wisdom to understand ur Word n plans for me. I pray tt u'l ctn to mould me to the person u wan me to become. I pray agst sins n pride..i pray tt i'l haf tt courage to tk tt step of faith to reach out to my pre-believing frens..i thank u Lord for all the blessings u've bestowed on my life n i hope u'l ctn to bless my bros n sisters who haf been working hard for your glory too!thank u Father..Amen..

"The harvest is plentiful but the workers r few."~Luke 10:2

Oh another thing..i thank God for the chance to share more abt my life in Christ to Carol..it's amazing..but i was quite hyper n happy fr service today..then she asked me..do i always feel happy aft gg to church n i told her yes!she asked me again if there was any time i din feel happy aft gg church..or if i felt disappointed aft gg church. i thot abt it n replied her shortly aft "NO!" ppl or church yes but god no..the thing is when i go to church, it's not juz abt the ppl..it's abt spendg time worshipping God.

I think pre-believers when they c us gg crazy for God n so hyper etc, they cannot understand n think tt we're mad or it's cos of the fellowship or atmosphere..true..to a certain extent i muz admit these factors do add up to the emotional high we experience..but besides them, the most influential factor is actually the annointing of the Holy Spirit. IT has always been a difficult topic to broach cos others who haf not experienced the Holy Spirit wldnt understand..but simply put, the Holy Spirit reveals to us certain things we wanna noe or didnt understand..n He establishes n intercedes on our behalf a r/ship n bridge to connect us w God..tt joy of bein filled with the Spirit..God's love, understandg, grace, mercy, forgiveness is really difficult to describe..juz lyk how r we to describe sad or happy in words..only e person experiencg it can fully understand the feelg..

yar..so was v happy i was also able to pray for her pprs for nxt wk..she told me she felt lighter aft the prayer..it's gd to c a burden lifted fr a fren..cos she was experiencg exactly wat i haf been experiencg wheneva i pray n lift my burdens to the Lord!heh..it's tt joy i wanna share..not the religion..n truly..i believe tt as long as i tk tt first step, the seed is planted..whether or not e other party eventually chooses to accept this gift n believe in this supernatural experience n joy, it will all depend on His timing..yup so ctn to pray ba!!Believe n haf faith!:)PTL!

God's forgiveness..

went for corporate prayer at kallang theatre (745-11pm)..was actually thinkg if shd go anot yest n today but in e end decided to go tho had abit of stomach discomfort juz half hr b4 the bus was scheduled to leave(haiz..muz b the mouldy bread!!argh!!!lucky i realised it b4 i finished e whole slice!haha..but still ate half down lol!=p)

but yar..it was a grt time of prayer n praise n worship..i truly believe tt God'l honour us juz as we honour Him by sacrificing our study time to go down for the prayer meet..we as humans can nvr understand n noe of His wondrous plans..all we can do is to haf faith tt He'll deliver..n no..tt is not blind faith but faith n confidence tt because we haf chosen to honour Him, He sees our hearts and will bless us according to His Word. "A man reaps what he sows.""Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."~Gal 6:7b, 9

Teared during one of the prophesies which i think was Pastor Dinah or Jasmine who shared..it was on forgiveness of guilt n sins..i think i've been struggling with guilt n sins these few days..so much so tt i was biting my own tail..but at tt pt in time, I heard God telling me "Child, u r forgiven." That love He has for me..that mercy n forgiveness n grace was so overwhelmg i juz broke down in tears..only God knew my struggles..only He sees..I'm not perfect but He still loved me..seriously..i've thot of it b4..if our earthly parents love us so much tt they can sacrifice for us n forgive us, how much more wld our Heavenly Father love us n forgive us??

Cant really rem the other pt which struck me during the prayer meet..but think it has sth to do w servg n gg bk HK..sumhow..God seems to convict me that my place is here in Hope..one consideration y i dowan to go bk HK is cos i cant bear to uproot myself fr the church which i've juz adjusted to n grown to love..true..i still may haf my differences..esp since i came fr a traditional church..but slowly those differences r melting away..was readg this devotional..n i agree w it in tt we shdnt use different denominations as an excuse to find a suitable church!no church is perfect..we cant wan to change church cos of our differences in certain values..but of cos if those differences serve to stumble n impede ur spiritual growth, mayb u can consider a change of environment..BUT whateva decision u choose to make, it has b made w God in e centre of it.. i believe God'l reveal to u His choice in due time..all we gotta do is b patient..

tt's y i wldnt say i've wasted my time at LOC where i was placed for 2.5yrs..altho i've decided to settle down in Hope (which amazingly i visited b4 i went to LOC), it doesnt mean my time in LOC was meaningless..cos i think tt time there has taught me alot abt patience..everythg is in God's timing..it has moulded me alot n let me experience tt passion in reachg out to others..sth which i'm putting into practice in Hope now:)

It's juz so amazing how God reveals His face to me at times when i need it..e Holy Spirit was evidently workg in e theatre tonight n i believe there'l b a breakthrough for alot o us soon..i think another thing which i was quite stirred was heart for my pre-believing frens..it's not abt winning converts for the church..it's not a race or anythg..it doesnt even benefit us lol!but it's tt joy of knowing God..tt peace n assurance tt He'll provide tt i wanna share with my frens..tt love n mercy tt HE has bestowed upon me..i'm a sinner..but still He loves me..wah..tt feelg is really indescribable!!it's juz really overwhelming..yar..so i juz pray tt wateva bondages n sins i may struggle w..i'l learn to let go of them..it's nvr ez but I believe tt w God, all things r possible!!:)

God's best:)

was really touched when Sher offered to come pray for me for my jap ppr in e afternoon..esp since i think she wanted to study ard sch..but she went bk hall instead so can b nearer to SRC where i was havin my ppr:)

jap was more diff than i expected but do-able..quite abit fr past yr pprs..but compre was difficult..compo din really haf time to fine tune it..quite a rush job..oh well..how to finish compre,vocab,grammar,zhao ju, compo all in 2.5 hrs?!madness!

met meiyun aft e ppr n headed for ny supermart to get sum stuff..esp my bread!!=pheh..it was grt time spent w her..bought an icecream(Cravio's hazelnut bar which i loved when i was young)..kinda wanted to reminisce those younger days=p

ctned watchg qing ding ai qing hai..sad endg..but not too bad..i kinda pei fu the scriptwriter cos he managed to show 2perspectives of love..it all evolved ard the theme "Plato's eternity"..but yar..the 2 supportg characters really gave depth to the show w their contrast in their love..1 so crazy to the extent she killed the guy she loved, the other so madly in love he kept all e things he did for the girl he loved a secret..not expectg any returns but continually being by her side,supportg her n caring for her..

it's quite amazing how e scriptwriter developed the supportg characters so well..but quite sad the protagonists roles n inner thots werent as well developed..in fact when the supportg actor was gg to die, i really cried lol!i was thinkg in e show..most women wld choose a man they love n not the man who loves them..y??i dunno..perhaps it's a woman's natural instinct?of cos there r also cases where they choose a man who loves them more..sumhow it's quite true it's difficult to find a couple w the same amt of balance of love they contribute to the r/ship..

was also thinkg tt if my life was made into a show, how wld it b lyk?wld it b as colourful as the ones i've watched on screen??u noe..sumtimes i'l wonder abt the guys who were aft me..their inner thots..n sumtimes i'l feel guilty abt the hurt which i may haf caused them..i am not in their shoes so i dun feel for them yet when i watch a show, i can put myself in e characters' shoes n feel for them..quite ironic huh??yea..so in a way i wld actually love to c a film abt my life..how issit lyk?were there missed opportunities?were there instances where you yuan wu fen?heh..

also thot abt my past r/ship..sumhow it juz struck me as i watched e show tt i may not haf been as upset over the failed r/ship as i was over my failed frenship w my ex..to put it simply..e failed r/ship may haf impacted me in many ways..esp since it was my 1st..n i spent days, weeks, months crying n trying to get over it..but yet when i think bk..perhaps it's not so much the r/ship but the lost frenship i was crying over..it's really sad to face someone u once loved n was so close to as an acquaintance..esp if tt person was once ur v gd fren..e times i shared w him as a fren far surpasses e time i shared w him as a gf..n since it was long-dist, we din really get a chance to go out as a couple either..so yea..retrospectively speaking, i think i missed our frenship more than anythg..e mutual understandg, e encouragements, our thots n ideals..sadly, our frenship now lies in ruins fr yrs o neglect..do wan to mend it but havent found e courage to tk tt first step..

yea..bein in self-denial for the past 3 yrs doesnt help..i juz wanna start the whole frenship afresh..e hurts n scars r still there but it's mendg..perhaps it wun b as perfect as b4..but i really do hope to b able to face him as b4..askg him how he has been..whether he has a gf already?if he has..gd for him..i'l give him my blessings..it's been a long while..let's forget n move on..i dowan to mourn over my lost love or lost frenship..cos i noe tt i still treasure tt frenship we once shared..n i noe tt God has shown me a whole new chapter aft our breakup..it's juz 1 of those things we hafta go thru in life..n i noe the Lord has grter plans in store for me..heh..God's best..not 2nd best:)

In love with my Fathers..:)

yest nite as i was lying in bed waiting to fall aslp, i was thinkg of my daddy..how time flies manz!so fast i'm 21 n he's gonna b 60 in a few yrs time..it's quite frightening how time flies wout u knowing it..

sorta teared alil as i thot of him..dunno y everytime i think of my daddy tears'l juz automatically well up in my eyes..haha..haf heard of "????" but not "??"..yea..mayb hor..but sumtimes i wonder do i love my daddy or mummy more?i guess i love them the same..juz in different aspects..i respect daddy alot!since young he has been my role model..lotsa things n decisions i mk r influenced by him..i've always aspired to b as zai as him..1 of my regrets perhaps was the decision not to enter rgs n go on to rjc..but i guess if i did, i wld not b me anymore..my life experiences wld haf changed..so i cant entirely say it is a regret either..it's juz tt fr young, i've always wanted to b lyk him, a true blue rafflesian..in the rugby team, house captain etc..

perhaps my strong pride n perfectionist character was moulded because of this aspiration to b lyk my daddy..so whenever i think of myself, i'l ask myself if i can become lyk him..there's still lotsa rm for improvement..but i really hope i can mk it in life cos i wan to c him proud of me..nth beats the pride i c in his eyes when i do well:)i noe he always says it's my own life, i can live it in wateva way i wan..but i noe tt he always wans the best for me n because of tt he has sacrificed alot..

heh..was thinkg of wat present to get him..n tim gave me a rather gd idea..i dun think he needs any material things fr me cos he definitely has far more ability than me to buy wateva he wans..aft exams i shall write a long letter to him..expressing my heartfelt thots..haha..but i bet every line wld b tear-smudged cos cfm will cry..even now as i blog, tears juz keep flowing..haha..but it's nth bad lah..juz tears of love n ??..

but y i'm writing this entry is not cos of the above..but cos while i was thinkg of my daddy n tryin to suppress my tears, it struck me abt my love for God..i love my daddy so much so tt i shed tears when i think of him..yet i dun do tt for my Father in Heaven..i was alil ashamed cos it's my Father up there hu has provided me w everythg i haf on earth..so as i laid in bed, i prayed..i prayed tt i cld develop a love for HIM so deep tt everytime i think o HIM, i'l tear..not cos i'm sad, but cos i truly love HIM w all my heart, soul n mind..when i think of my daddy's sacrificing love for the family n me, i shd also think of God's unfailing love for me..

heh..ppl may think i'm mad to compare an intangible father who has not given me anythg physically or rt in my face w my daddy who has showered me w love fr the time i was born..but sumhow as i teared for my daddy, it juz struck me how shallow my love for God is..how can i say i love HIM when i seem to love the world more?it's a difficult decision..one story in e bible which impacted me was the story where Jesus told the man , "Follow me, and let the dead bury their own dead." (Matt 8:22) when he wanted to bury his father..it juz shows tt if we wanna follow Jesus, we've gotta b prepared to give up our worldly lives..including our families if there is a must!but am i really prepared to do such a thing?mayb by my own i wun haf the courage..but if i were sent on missions overseas w my other half, i think i wld try..w alot of praying of cos..cos it really tks alot of courage..

Prayer Point: Lord, i juz pray tt juz lyk how i love my earthly father, i'l learn to love u more n more..i dowan to juz say i love u Abba Father..but i wanna put it into action too..it takes alot..mayb even sacrifices along the way..but Lord i juz pray tt U'll grant me the courage to step out in faith out of my comfort zone n trust tt u'll provide:) I thank u for UR providence so far in my life..i noe tt these were by ur hand, not by the world..everythg in life is in ur plans..there r ups n downs but thru it all i noe u haf nvr forsaken me n i thank u for seeing me thru to where i am now..In Jesus most precious name i pray, Amen..

hAppIe bDaY DADDY!!:)

Happie Bday DADDY!!!:)heh..finally called him at 10pm..wanted to call him last nite at midnight but scared he slping..then wanted to call today but heard he's in phillipines so scared he bz w meetgs etc so din call..heh..yar..was grt to wish my daddy happie bday!:)

started watchg a new taiwanese drama called "?????"..quite long 27vcds..heh..dunno when will finish..def not today..mayb tmr ba?haha..so naughty..i shd b studying!!argh!!!

oh well..tmr's haf jap ppr is in e afternoon..ganbatte!!!heh..hafta wake up early ard 8 to go down to hall c to pray for sherwyn,tim n sam for their auditing ppr..hope it wun b a difficult one for them:pyup so gonna slp earlier today i hope..

Emotions..Reconciliation..

couldnt study so decided to blog..heh..quite jialut..havent started studyin..think abit emotionally drained fr yest n today..tt's y i hate to cry..cos it always mks me tired..

oh well..today was another bz day..went to church earlier cos met the sisters to pray..in e end ended up talking away then only started prayin ltr..haha..n had to do card for wenjiang cos it's his bday tmr..

toked to sherwyn on e phone in e afternoon..shared abit on how i feel..quite surprised to hear tt jo feels tt i dun share my inner thots w her..cos i do..juz tt i dun automatically run to the sisters wheneva i feel down..in a way it's true tt if i put myself into sherwyn's shoes,tt's exactly how she's feelg now..as in she dun automatically run to us cos we all dun feel close..but i think 1 big difference here is tt i dun even go to anyone..n it's not tt i dowan to share..it's juz tt i cant find any1 to share w..geo's always w spencer,sher bz w her frens' probs..of cos still haf pris..but also dowan to scare her..think her studies is stressing her out so much..need to look out for her health too..yar..so realise tt in e past yr..haf been swallowing more n more of my feelgs..mayb it's a form of escapism..told sherwyn tt i've come to terms w alot of things..e hurts,disappointments..it's not tt they dun burden mi anymore..it's juz tt i choose to accept them n not think of them..tk them w a pinch of salt..n wheneva i feel down i'l juz go bk to God..mayb tt's y i dun feel any intense depression etc..heard quite a few sisters went thru some big stuff aft water bap..at 1st i was quite afraid too..but i think as long as i keep myself close to God, even Satan cant do anything to me..Man fails but God does not..told sherwyn wheneva she feels down..juz cling onto this phrase..cos it's soso true..

Abit worried now..tho told sherwyn tt i'm really ok..no spiritual attacks or dry period..but these 2 days abit more emotional than b4..n i noe my weakness lies in my emotions..n Satan always uses them to strike a blow to me..esp in terms of family n frens..cos i really treasure them alot..still tryin to learn to let go..esp of a particular frenship..some1 whom i treasure alot..ppl cant understand y i still hold on so dearly to this fren..but as much as we do haf our differences n i get fed up n frustrated w her, i still love her alot..it's sad to think tt we've been thru so much but at e end of uni, we're lyk strangers..i dowan tt to happen..but i've realised tt some things r beyond my ctrl..

sometimes i'l wonder how our frenship will b lyk if i din choose to come bk to Sg..as much as she's hurt me..i think i've hurt her even more..n when everythg adds up, it becomes wat it is today..n i guess becos i feel guilty, i try to give her more space..but sumtimes it may seem tt i dun care..but it's not true..ppl c mi as sum1 who openly shows my feelgs..yar it's true to a certain extent..but when it concerns ppl i really care abt, most o e time i dun dare to show my concern..i'l juz give tt person space n time to live their lives n c fr afar, prayg for them,n always on a lookout for them..if they need me, i'l def try to b there for them..noe i shd change..cos i think this lack of courage in facing them is harming many of my frenships..n i'm always deeply affected by them..

But i shall not lose faith!juz lyk how God soften LKW's (my tutor) heart during my presentation yest (heh..i was super scared n stressed over my presentation cos he's known for his sharp 'shooting' n sarcasm..but surprisingly when it was my turn, i din kena alot!in fact he was helpin me along!haha..my grpmates even turned to me n told me it seems tt he's nicer to gals..haha..but i noe tt's not true cos he has shot gals w questions abt their presentations b4 until they seemed lyk they were gonna cry..heh..i knew it was e help of the Holy Spirit lah..esp since i had prayed juz b4 i went for the presentation:)n i cld actually ans those qns he posted..heh..PTL!)anw..yar..i believe tt with prayer, reconciliation will happen:)

Prayer point: Dear Father, i come to u today w a heart for reconciliation..to not juz reconcile my frenships w others..esp w those i regard dearly..but also to reconcile them w u too..i wan to b a gd testimony..to show how real n gd u r in my life..Lord..i pray agst any bitterness, unforgiveness, hurts i may still harbour..free mi fr these bondages tt i may truly live a Christ-centred life..i pray tt during this bz period, i'l ctn to feel tt joy of knowing u n not feel stressed nor worried cos u r my Jehovah Jireh..my provider..i pray agst any spiritual attacks Satan tries to carry out on me..i dowan to b emotional..but stable n strong..e one who lives in me is grter than the one who lives in e world!yup!keep me close to u oh Lord..cos i nvr wanna let u go..thank u dear Father for ur faithfulness,forgiveness n grace tt u haf shown onto a sinner lyk me..i pray tt juz lyk u haf forgiven my sins, i'l learn to forgive myself for the hurts i've caused others..in Jesus name i pray..Amen..

Reflections..

Alot of reflections aft today's CG..but cant seem to form my feelgs n emotions into words..at 1st wasnt so affected when Tim was sharing..but dunno y when i came bk..juz felt lyk crying out..so juz spent some time prayin n crying to God when i got bk..din really noe wat i was feelg or wat to pray abt but i think God noes..He was comforting me as i poured my heart out in tears..no words..heh..it's so true tt through it all, He's still e only 1 i can really pour my heart to..to cry for help to..

Was juz thinkg juz now..realise tt i've closed my heart alot more since i came bk to Sg..my frens in Aust wld noe how i love to cry..how emotional i am..but sumhow as i grow older..as i live longer in this world..i've stopped crying so much..n even if i cried..it's not to ppl anymore..most o the time only to God..y?i also dunno..gd thing or bad thing?i also dunno..but sumtimes i juz wished i cld cry out to someone n b comforted too..but sumhow now..i'm quite contented2juz cry in e arms of my heavenly Father cos i haf learnt tt He nvr forsakes me..tt His love is ever so overwhelming.. nobody else can compare..

As much as Tim hopes we support him n those helpg him..i too hope he n e rest supports me..it's a chain effect..noe he has 9 others to tk care of too..super tiring..but sumtimes i juz wonder how much does he noe of us?he hears it only fr a few ppl..but has he asked me how i really feel?hmm..juz sum thots..noe he's mkin e effort..but as much as i c his effort..i think it's in e same perspective he's cyin mine (effort)..cos we r not involved in ea other's lives..he doesnt c the small things i do lyk msgin sum sis n bros to encourage them (tho i really find msgin a chore=p) or even accompanying them sometimes2do stuff tho i'm tired or not in e mood..i'm aft all still quite an arrogant character who loves my own private space..kinda wanna b in my own world sumtimes n isolate myself fr others..but i'm mkin e effort cos i believe in fellowship n serving others..it's sth which ppl cant c w their naked eyes..

dowan2sound defensive over here..but as much as ppl feel taken for granted..sumtimes i do feel e same way..i may not haf been asked2serve e CG in any specific responsibilities (tho i wld love to) but it's e little things which i try to do..i dun do it cos i wan them2acknowledge these acts or feel close to me..i do it cos i love them..i wanna do sth for them..i wanna spend time w them..i wanna encourage them juz as how they encourage me..

my dream has always been to build a CG where everyone cares4one another n r involved in one another's lives..in a way..we share our lives--our tears n joy-- w one another..it's ok to feel burdened4them when they come2me w their troubles as long as they open up n lighten e wt on their shoulders n by listening n supporting, it helps them come bk to God..tt's wat bros n sisters r for..to support n encourage one another..when 1 falls, the other helps him/her up..it's as ez as tt!

of cos ea o us has our own demons2battle..our own commitments..i can understand how tired n frustratg it feels2get no or ill response fr sum1 cos i've been reachg out to others myself..n it's quite disheartening..i myself am at tt recovery stage..i may seem v happy n hyper all e time but i still need sum1 to push me, to help me up..cos i guess i've been so worn out fr my prev efforts in reachg out to those God has placed in my heart..but juz tt e person pushing me will definitely b worn out too..haiz..i do try mkin e effort to respond..but sumtimes i fail2..i think sumtimes we need2give n tk..of cos it needs2b a 2-way thing..at least i try..but juz tt sumtimes i need alil more push fr those spiritually stronger than me..tt's y i kept emphasising e need4more open communications wthin e sisters..at least noe who's spiritually dry or weary so tt those stronger can lend a helpg hand..

dunno..had alot more thots..but cant seem2rem them..nowadays i prefer to juz forgive n forget..no pt brooding over unhappy stuff..juz lyk wat the protagonist in e show i've been watchg e past few days says "?????,???????"..was thinkg..tt's so true..we juz need2smile n move on..

Prayer: Dear Lord.. i pray for a willing heart..for me n my dear sisters..to be patient n willing to tk tt step o faith..to give me e strength when i'm weary n burnt out..i wanna build up this fellowship..esp wthin e sisters..give me a more loving heart so tt i'l love them even more..i noe it's difficult to keep us tog n build bonds but God..nth is impossible in ur Kingdom because we're doin it for u!I pray for my stubborness to be soften..tt i can accept wat i still cant accept now..to learn things all over again..to put down my pride in the things i do..i think i need more faith in e little things i'm doing cos i noe tt these r juz e start of the grter plans u haf in store for me..I'm willing to b used..so Lord..tk me, mould me into sum1 u wan me to become..Thank u for everythg u've blessed me w..esp NYCA2..Lord u c my heart..u noe how i feel..let me not b affected by wat others c or think cos Lord i'm only answerable to u..as long as u wan me to..i'm willing to serve ur ppl..thank u Father..thank u..In Jesus name I commit myself to u..Amen..

Somehow..hav been feelg at peace this whole wk as i spent time w God n praising n worshipping him tho this wk was a bz wk..He gave me the chance to reach out to HF n LH n even geo!heh..my heart n flesh r weak..but my Lord prevails!:)let's jiayou tog NYCA2!:)

A covenant with the sisters..

Dear sisters..thanx4tonight's sharing..tho it's me toking too much as usual:p but i really hope we'l break down those walls n open up 2one another..noe it's hard n we come fr diff bkgrds n face diff probs but let's step out of our comfort zone in daith k cos we haf sth in common-God!:)it's juz 5 o us, not 10 anymore so let's mk alil more effort2noe e other 4 n support,encourage,show love..esp2those hu feel weary..hope 10 nov'l b e day we recommit ourselves2our covenant..even if it's juz a small step/effort,it's ok..Rome wasnt built in a day:pso r our frenships n trust..yup but let's do it tog k sis!love u all..really fr e bottom o my heart..*hugz*