Tough decisions - Praying for a breakthrough

01:41am

Gosh it's sat morn alr n my eyes are still puffy fr. my flu and the lil crying during CG juz now...in fact haf lotsa thots now as I read thru all the encouragement cards and letters fr. the past- Melbourne, LOC, NYCA2 ...my blog entries too..read entries from my other blog too a few days ago..i think these 6 yrs have really been a roller-coaster ride for me, transforming a happy-go-lucky, carefree young gal into an indept, matured lady..

I's really amazing how God has worked in my life..if i were to share my testimonies, i think this entry wld b endless:p but seriously, as I reflected on my life and how i've grown and which areas I'm still lacking in, I realised that God has indeed used ppl, circumstances etc to teach me and mould me into who I am today..

Was sharing in CG juz now abt the things we've learnt in the recent Hope church camp and I shared how God has convicted me to stay on in SG despite my reluctance n v. strong resistance..shall elaborate abt this experience when I have more time. But yar, in short, HE has asked me to stay on in SG n i'm not searchg for a clearer direction- i.e. which job, ministry, area to grow in etc. Have set a "3-yr plan" for myself. 1st to grow myself in the Word, 2nd to be a shepherd, 3rd to lead a CG. I shared with Jieyun too my intention to become a member of the church (yes, despite being in Hope for 2.5yrs liao) as well as my fears and barriers..

I realise that my prob/question has not changed fr. 4yrs ago when I decided to come bk SG fr. Aust. It has always been "God, where shd I go?" And HIS ans has always been SG. So i guess I juz need to convince myself tt God has indeed grt plans for me in SG. I admit along the way in these 4 yrs aft returning bk to SG, I've lost sight of God's plans for me. I've failed to earnestly seek His direction in my life and I've failed to obey Him when He speaks. And because of my defiance/non-chalance, I've been rather stagmant these yrs. Of cos there was the occasional burst of fire as I reached out to ppl ard me and served in small ways and I've learnt alot of things and broke through some of my earlier mindsets, but I've not grown anywhere in terms of ministry and W.O.G. I think what i'm really seeking this time is a breakthrough, not juz the occassional high and fire..

It isn't gonna be an ez decision and I mentioned to Jieyun that I would really need alot of support fr. the CG. I shared with Tony etc juz now tt being alone in SG is difficult for me cos I'm in my hm country wout my family and to me home is where my family is. It's difficult cos all my peers, even CG members, have their family w them but I, being alone, tend to rely on them as family but it forms an expectation gap cos of the different lvls of commitment we expect fr. 1 another. To me, I feel tt it is my fault tt i'm creating such a gap cos my expectations r much higher..guess it's sth i've to overcome but it's tough and wld definitely tk time..

But nonetheless, I feel it's time to commit to the church. I think fear has been and is still stopping me. But when I c how God has used the lives ard me to build His kingdom, I'm so encouraged and envious cos it is sth I wanna do for God! Although i do not know yet the plans He has for me, I'm assured tt He'll definitely use me as long as I'm willing! At times I do feel inadequate but I know also tt when God wants to use us, He'll always equip us! Still rem Daryll telling this to me 4 yrs bk : "When we feel we aren't ready, tt's the time we r actually already ready" It's really juz a matter of taking tt step of faith! And I think all along, I've been ready but I always put God off my saying i'm inadequate, I'm bz, I'm lazy, I'm contented with my life etc. It's really and truly and attitude and the condition of my heart!

It's kinda scary and takes alot of emotional courage for me to mk such a decision, but I believe God truly rewards those who obey Him. Heb 11. This chapter reminded me of how Abraham took the step of faith to leave His ctry and go to an unknown land juz because he wanted to obey God. And how at the end of the day, God blessed him with nations.. I guess this time, I really gotta be more convicted and persevere in doing God's will, relying on His strength n not my own.

Prayer Point: Oh God u noe how difficult it is for me to humble myself..and how difficult it is to "forgo" my family but Lord, I believe in ur Promises and I pray that I would have the courage to tk tt leap of faith and the strength to see it through. It is definitely not by my strength that I stand but through ur grace and love for me.. Thank u for always forgiving me when I disobey,..sorry for always defying u and breaking your heart..Lord, show me the way u want me to go, how u want me to serve, a clearer direction in my life..I pray that u'll open up doors and close those u dowan me to choose. MAke it so clear to methat I am unable to flee cos indeed Lord, Where can I flee from you presence? Father, "search me and know my heart, test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me and lead me in the way everlasting" ~Psalms 139:23-24. I pray for a breakthrough oh Father. May my heart be willing.. I thank u for everything that I've been blessed with so far cos they are from u! In Christ's most precious name, Amen..

Missions:Not juz abt spreading the gospel but it's also abt Obedience..

Just as i thot I have passed the test n come out stronger spiritually, I was dealt another blow again today..

Although i wld say tt i haf not fully recovered fr all the emotional rollercoaster i was facing since sunday nite, i was more or less ok..at least not depressed or teary-eyed cos i was quite convicted n assured of God's presence in my life..

Yet i think either God was still testing me n teaching mi abt wat he wans mi to learn, or Satan was trying to crush mi with all the spiritual "attacks" he was putting me thru..in my prev entry i did share abt my missions trip to Japan n how tt door was closed..went to find the CCC staff to ask if it's possible to include me..but it's a case-by-case basis n apparently it's all by support-raising n not we raise our own money so i think chances of mi gg japan will b quite low cos the cost is so high!

Although she was willing to help mi put in a request, i felt tt God has already closed tt door n i shd consider other options, ie thailand,cambodia etc..but i've asked my mummy abt it b4 n she was paranoid n refused to let me go..of cos i noe if i insisted she cant do anythg to mi but i din wan her to worry so i opted to juz focus on japan..

But seriously i felt as tho a door had juz been slammed shut into my face..it was really a horrible feelg..esp aft i knew e fact tt the expenses were raised thru support raising so if me n sher had known it earlier, we wld haf signed up earlier too cos money wasnt a barrier anymore..so in a way i really felt tt God has clearly closed e door to Japan cos all e timing was juz so not rt..but gd tt Sher learnt sth thru this too..tt she has been depending too much on her own strength n had forgotten wat it really meant to seek God on her decisions..so in a way this support raising ans not only solves her worries but also let her realise how much she has been relying on her own strength..

N since Sher's trying for thailand n she expressed tt she really wanted mi to go along, i decided to try asking my parents tonight..at tt pt of time i was still abit complacent..i knew tt my parents wld eventually allow mi to go if i pushed harder..but wat came nxt wasnt wat i had expected..

Of cos my mummy objected n she kept sayin drugs lah, bad ppl lah etc..aft tt she kept askg mi NE or S thailand better cos i had a choice..i told her S was the more problematic area n NE was more the tribal area so more peaceful but she kept blahblahblah-ing..n she knew i wld haf trng so she was even more reluctant, knowing tt i cldnt go bk to hk for the hols..plus the trip's abt a mth n it ends on my bday so she was even more worried n upset..my mum's ezier to handle..but she asked mi to tok to my daddy..n tt was when i really faced the hardest thing i've eva faced..

"Y u so kay-poh?" was the 1st response i heard when he came to the phone. He told mi tt i shd juz let ppl believe wat they wanted to believe in n tt ppl wld definitely not convert cos thais r v staunch buddhist, esp in the tribal areas..when i told him tt it's in God's commandments in the Bible to fulfil the Grt Commission n reach out to the unreached..he snapped n say "dun talk to mi abt the bible"..i was really hurt n in tears by then..cos it's quite sad to hear ur closest family who are also believers n followers of Christ actually being skeptical abt God's Word n Truth..i was upset tt my parents did not c God as sum1 who's supernatural..who protects n loves us as His Children..tt HE'll not allow us to be harmed in any way..my mummy juz kept emphasising on the danger..yet if we're doing God's work, we shd trust tt He'll protect us..n my daddy thinks it's a waste of time..yet in e bible

Matt 28:19-20 " Therefore go & make disciples of all nations, baptising them in the name of the Father & of e Son & of e Holy Spirit......And surely, I am with you always, to e v end of e age.", Jesus commanded us Christians to go preach the gospel to ppl..n tt He'l b w us always thru the journey.

At tt pt in time i really felt the persecution fr my parents..it's amazing cos all my life i've been a Christian..my parents too..so i cld nvr understand e kind of struggles which my peers undergo when they accept Christ as most of their families r non-Christians..but today, in e 1st time in my entire life, I was faced w persecution for being a Christian fr my family..n i can tell u, the feelg SUX!but it made mi even more convicted to go for missions cos i realise tt it's not juz abt spreading the gospel but it's abt obeying God..

So in a nutshell, wat i've learnt fr all the lessons yest n today on e mission trip:

1. God made mi search my heart n ask myself wat my real intention for gg to missions was? n my ans was it was for my own selfish-ness more than a burden for ppl..

2. God showed me how i was being complacent n taking things for granted..cos i din haf to worry abt money for missions n i knew tt wateva it is i wld still be able to go for missions even if my parents r reluctant..but God has really tested mi n showed mi how real persecution can b..to actually go thru it n feel tt pain n sadness..it was v hurting but i am glad i've gone thru it cos at least i do not tk being a Christian for granted but rather c it as a gift fr God..

3. God tested my obedience towards Him..I finally understand tt it's not abt the places i choose to go for missions but rather the heart condition in which i choose to go in..n also whether i was obedient enuff to go even tho i faced objection, persecution n also fear..There's only 1 door opened for mi now..n tt's e door to obedience..to fulfil God's commandments..

4. God has also taught me to be more optimistic..even if all doors r closed n i cant go for missions o/s, i may b alil devastated but i noe tt i can still quickly get bk up onto my feet cos i noe God has sth better planned for me..whether it's to serve in church or reach out to other ppl.. wateva it is i noe i juz gotta trust in Him..

yup had a really grt QT with Him juz now..havent prayed so much in a day for so long..it's really grt!n many verses juz popped up along the way!heh..shall share more abt them in my nxt entry=p

Prayer Point: Dear Heavenly Father, I pray tt as mi n Sher tk tt step of faith to obey u oh Lord, I pray tt u open doors for us to go for missions, be it financially, mentally, wisdom etc..i pray tt our hearts r conditioned to pray n outreach to ppl who do not noe u yet Lord..i pray tt we'l feel more burden to evangelise..Lord, u say tt if we dun haf wisdom, we can ask n u'l grant it to us..so Lord..even if we feel inadequate in our bible knowledge, i noe Lord u'l equip us adequately to share..I pray also tt in wateva circumstances n obstacles tt i may face ahead, wateva disappointments or hurts, Father, I'l place them at ur feet n trust tt u'l carry mi thru them all. Give me emotional strength n courage to face the challenges ahead.. tt i'l not give up n persevere for u haf said tt "Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him."~James 1:12. I thank u Lord for this opportunity u haf given mi to learn more abt ur will n abt myself n for all the lessons i've learnt thru this experience..it may haf been testing n tiring, but Lord it's only thru them can i truly experience how real u r in my life..i thank u and present my requests unto u..In Jesus most precious name i pray...Amen..

Lessons learnt

alot of thots..tried sharing w some sis n bros but sumhow they seemed not attentive or able to identify wat i was sharg so kinda felt brushed aside..ended up quite quiet throughout dinner..cos i din wanna forget wat i was thinkg..juz remained reflective n waitg to go bk hall to blog..

a few things which struck me:

sub d: psalm 51: how God desires to hear our inner truths..how He delights in a broken n contrite heart..it's not abt the works we do n show on e outside but our heart's condition..whether we r truly honest w Him n ourselves or haf we created a facade whereby we do all the 'Holy' Christian stuff but remain stubborn n closed to the Holy Spirit?

But wat really struck me was the lesson He has been tryin to teach me the yest n today..cos when i did my QT last nite..i read Mark 7 on clean n unclean..I was reminded of it durin the sub d sharing by wenjiang..
"These ppl honour me w their lips but their hearts r far from me. They worship me in vain; their teachings r but rules taught by men. U haf let go of the commands o God n r holdg on to the traditions of men."~Mark 7:6b-8

N also "Nothing ourside a man can mk him 'unclean' by gg into him. Rather, it is wat comes our of a man that mks him 'unclean'.~Mark 7:15

It sorta ties in with wat was revealed to me durin corporate prayer too..so in all 3 instances, God was teachg me sth..tt our sins r forgiven as long as we confess them truthfully to Him. It all boils down to our heart condition..wat goes on in our inner thots..wateva it demons we r facing, we've gotta face them bravely n seek God's help in dispelling them fr our lives rather than escape n hide them away, thinkg tt if we dun acknowledge it, it wun bother us..but instead, we will feel tt nagging burden at the bottom of our hearts..tt sense of guilt tt we've sinned..

God doesnt wan to c us go church or b holy for the sake of doin it cos we're christians..but He wans to hear our inner thots..He wans to change us fr the inside out n not fr the outside in..no pt putting up a facade n deceiving ourselves tt we're right with God when we're in truth far fr Him!

Another thot: Pastor Jeff preached today abt the Ethiopian eunuch n Philip in e bk of Acts.He reminded us of the Grt Commission n encouraged us to tk tt step of faith to reach out to frens ard us..it sorta sparked tt passion in me again!but this time i really hope to trust in Him for the salvation of pre-believing frens..mayb cos i've grown up in a traditional church where evangelism wasnt popular..in fact i grew up thinkg tt all evangelism has sum cult-ish roots n tt we've gotta b careful of ppl who evangelise..but as i grow older n experience different churches n understand the Bible more..i realise tt there's nth Satanic abt evangelism.

Evangelism isnt abt tryin to win converts or forcing our ideas on others..but it is instead a way to spread the Good News--that Jesus died for our sins n has risen fr the dead!dun u think it'l b sad if u died b4 knowing such a Grt news!so tho i still haf some struggles w evangelism, i think God is slowly untying these knots tt i've tied in my heart n showg me the real meaning abt evangelism..

God also placed this seed in me..cos i've been thinkg o whether to return to HK aft graduation..it's really a dble edged sword..either way i noe i wld feel sad..but sumhow i felt impressed upon my heart a possibility of helping Hope HK..i've always been a v visionary person..i lyk to think big..but tho i hate to admit it, i've always felt "you xin wu li" (haf the heart but no strength)i feel inadequate n not well-equipped to carry out His work..sumhow i doubt tt i can carry through any plans..i can feel it in my heart tt God has sth big in store for me..but i still dunno wat..i still rem the prophesy my CGL durin Easter camp prophesised for me 3yrs ago..abt how God wld use me to accomplish sth big..i felt tt passion for missions rekindled..suddenly i felt tt mayb..juz mayb..i cld b lyk Philip n the Ethiopian man..how Philip chose to obey God's specific directions even tho he didnt know wat God's plans were for him. He juz followed God's directions to where he found the Ethiopian.wat followed was totally not told to him. He juz took the initiative to share the gospel w him, using the chance tt was laid b4 him..

sumhow i believe God will create an opportunity to reach out to others..we may not know wat His specific plans r for us..but if we pray n ask earnestly, He'l reveal in due time..all we need to do is obey..so juz lyk how i took tt step of faith to return to Sg tho i din know wat was in store for me, i do hope tt i wld b able to tk tt step of faith again when the time He calls me to do His work..i think these 3 yrs in Sg has been a mouldg season for me..i'm not perfect..there's so much things i've gotta learn..humility, forgiveness, patience, love,service..God doesnt change a person overnight..He tks time n pains to mould him/her..sumtimes i wished the process cld b faster but i noe everythg is in His own timing..i've gotta b patient..

yup so mayb perhaps aft exams then i'l talk to xingni or somebody abt this lil seed implanted in mi today..i'm excited to go plant a seed in HK..start a movement or a youth grp or sth..but yet i still feel inadequate n insecure cos i really dunno how to go abt doin it..it's too big scale!heh..but i believe i've juz gotta ctn to trust in His providence..to believe that w God, nth is impossible! "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!"~Phil 4:13

Prayer Point: Lord thank u for ur teaching n revelation into my life these past few days..Exams is here but i'm thankful tt although i spend so much time gg for service n prayer meet n fellowship, Lord, u haf taken tt stress away fr me n instead filled mi w the confidence of ur Promises n love!i pray agst a heart of complacency..as much as i noe u'l bless me, i pray tt i wun b complacent but ctn to study hard for my pprs..Lord i pray tt as i ctn to pray abt my decision whether to go bk HK, u'll reveal ur plans to me. U c my heart oh Lord. U c tt passion to serve. But Lord i pray tt u equip me with the knowledge n wisdom to understand ur Word n plans for me. I pray tt u'l ctn to mould me to the person u wan me to become. I pray agst sins n pride..i pray tt i'l haf tt courage to tk tt step of faith to reach out to my pre-believing frens..i thank u Lord for all the blessings u've bestowed on my life n i hope u'l ctn to bless my bros n sisters who haf been working hard for your glory too!thank u Father..Amen..

"The harvest is plentiful but the workers r few."~Luke 10:2

Oh another thing..i thank God for the chance to share more abt my life in Christ to Carol..it's amazing..but i was quite hyper n happy fr service today..then she asked me..do i always feel happy aft gg to church n i told her yes!she asked me again if there was any time i din feel happy aft gg church..or if i felt disappointed aft gg church. i thot abt it n replied her shortly aft "NO!" ppl or church yes but god no..the thing is when i go to church, it's not juz abt the ppl..it's abt spendg time worshipping God.

I think pre-believers when they c us gg crazy for God n so hyper etc, they cannot understand n think tt we're mad or it's cos of the fellowship or atmosphere..true..to a certain extent i muz admit these factors do add up to the emotional high we experience..but besides them, the most influential factor is actually the annointing of the Holy Spirit. IT has always been a difficult topic to broach cos others who haf not experienced the Holy Spirit wldnt understand..but simply put, the Holy Spirit reveals to us certain things we wanna noe or didnt understand..n He establishes n intercedes on our behalf a r/ship n bridge to connect us w God..tt joy of bein filled with the Spirit..God's love, understandg, grace, mercy, forgiveness is really difficult to describe..juz lyk how r we to describe sad or happy in words..only e person experiencg it can fully understand the feelg..

yar..so was v happy i was also able to pray for her pprs for nxt wk..she told me she felt lighter aft the prayer..it's gd to c a burden lifted fr a fren..cos she was experiencg exactly wat i haf been experiencg wheneva i pray n lift my burdens to the Lord!heh..it's tt joy i wanna share..not the religion..n truly..i believe tt as long as i tk tt first step, the seed is planted..whether or not e other party eventually chooses to accept this gift n believe in this supernatural experience n joy, it will all depend on His timing..yup so ctn to pray ba!!Believe n haf faith!:)PTL!

God's forgiveness..

went for corporate prayer at kallang theatre (745-11pm)..was actually thinkg if shd go anot yest n today but in e end decided to go tho had abit of stomach discomfort juz half hr b4 the bus was scheduled to leave(haiz..muz b the mouldy bread!!argh!!!lucky i realised it b4 i finished e whole slice!haha..but still ate half down lol!=p)

but yar..it was a grt time of prayer n praise n worship..i truly believe tt God'l honour us juz as we honour Him by sacrificing our study time to go down for the prayer meet..we as humans can nvr understand n noe of His wondrous plans..all we can do is to haf faith tt He'll deliver..n no..tt is not blind faith but faith n confidence tt because we haf chosen to honour Him, He sees our hearts and will bless us according to His Word. "A man reaps what he sows.""Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."~Gal 6:7b, 9

Teared during one of the prophesies which i think was Pastor Dinah or Jasmine who shared..it was on forgiveness of guilt n sins..i think i've been struggling with guilt n sins these few days..so much so tt i was biting my own tail..but at tt pt in time, I heard God telling me "Child, u r forgiven." That love He has for me..that mercy n forgiveness n grace was so overwhelmg i juz broke down in tears..only God knew my struggles..only He sees..I'm not perfect but He still loved me..seriously..i've thot of it b4..if our earthly parents love us so much tt they can sacrifice for us n forgive us, how much more wld our Heavenly Father love us n forgive us??

Cant really rem the other pt which struck me during the prayer meet..but think it has sth to do w servg n gg bk HK..sumhow..God seems to convict me that my place is here in Hope..one consideration y i dowan to go bk HK is cos i cant bear to uproot myself fr the church which i've juz adjusted to n grown to love..true..i still may haf my differences..esp since i came fr a traditional church..but slowly those differences r melting away..was readg this devotional..n i agree w it in tt we shdnt use different denominations as an excuse to find a suitable church!no church is perfect..we cant wan to change church cos of our differences in certain values..but of cos if those differences serve to stumble n impede ur spiritual growth, mayb u can consider a change of environment..BUT whateva decision u choose to make, it has b made w God in e centre of it.. i believe God'l reveal to u His choice in due time..all we gotta do is b patient..

tt's y i wldnt say i've wasted my time at LOC where i was placed for 2.5yrs..altho i've decided to settle down in Hope (which amazingly i visited b4 i went to LOC), it doesnt mean my time in LOC was meaningless..cos i think tt time there has taught me alot abt patience..everythg is in God's timing..it has moulded me alot n let me experience tt passion in reachg out to others..sth which i'm putting into practice in Hope now:)

It's juz so amazing how God reveals His face to me at times when i need it..e Holy Spirit was evidently workg in e theatre tonight n i believe there'l b a breakthrough for alot o us soon..i think another thing which i was quite stirred was heart for my pre-believing frens..it's not abt winning converts for the church..it's not a race or anythg..it doesnt even benefit us lol!but it's tt joy of knowing God..tt peace n assurance tt He'll provide tt i wanna share with my frens..tt love n mercy tt HE has bestowed upon me..i'm a sinner..but still He loves me..wah..tt feelg is really indescribable!!it's juz really overwhelming..yar..so i juz pray tt wateva bondages n sins i may struggle w..i'l learn to let go of them..it's nvr ez but I believe tt w God, all things r possible!!:)

God's best:)

was really touched when Sher offered to come pray for me for my jap ppr in e afternoon..esp since i think she wanted to study ard sch..but she went bk hall instead so can b nearer to SRC where i was havin my ppr:)

jap was more diff than i expected but do-able..quite abit fr past yr pprs..but compre was difficult..compo din really haf time to fine tune it..quite a rush job..oh well..how to finish compre,vocab,grammar,zhao ju, compo all in 2.5 hrs?!madness!

met meiyun aft e ppr n headed for ny supermart to get sum stuff..esp my bread!!=pheh..it was grt time spent w her..bought an icecream(Cravio's hazelnut bar which i loved when i was young)..kinda wanted to reminisce those younger days=p

ctned watchg qing ding ai qing hai..sad endg..but not too bad..i kinda pei fu the scriptwriter cos he managed to show 2perspectives of love..it all evolved ard the theme "Plato's eternity"..but yar..the 2 supportg characters really gave depth to the show w their contrast in their love..1 so crazy to the extent she killed the guy she loved, the other so madly in love he kept all e things he did for the girl he loved a secret..not expectg any returns but continually being by her side,supportg her n caring for her..

it's quite amazing how e scriptwriter developed the supportg characters so well..but quite sad the protagonists roles n inner thots werent as well developed..in fact when the supportg actor was gg to die, i really cried lol!i was thinkg in e show..most women wld choose a man they love n not the man who loves them..y??i dunno..perhaps it's a woman's natural instinct?of cos there r also cases where they choose a man who loves them more..sumhow it's quite true it's difficult to find a couple w the same amt of balance of love they contribute to the r/ship..

was also thinkg tt if my life was made into a show, how wld it b lyk?wld it b as colourful as the ones i've watched on screen??u noe..sumtimes i'l wonder abt the guys who were aft me..their inner thots..n sumtimes i'l feel guilty abt the hurt which i may haf caused them..i am not in their shoes so i dun feel for them yet when i watch a show, i can put myself in e characters' shoes n feel for them..quite ironic huh??yea..so in a way i wld actually love to c a film abt my life..how issit lyk?were there missed opportunities?were there instances where you yuan wu fen?heh..

also thot abt my past r/ship..sumhow it juz struck me as i watched e show tt i may not haf been as upset over the failed r/ship as i was over my failed frenship w my ex..to put it simply..e failed r/ship may haf impacted me in many ways..esp since it was my 1st..n i spent days, weeks, months crying n trying to get over it..but yet when i think bk..perhaps it's not so much the r/ship but the lost frenship i was crying over..it's really sad to face someone u once loved n was so close to as an acquaintance..esp if tt person was once ur v gd fren..e times i shared w him as a fren far surpasses e time i shared w him as a gf..n since it was long-dist, we din really get a chance to go out as a couple either..so yea..retrospectively speaking, i think i missed our frenship more than anythg..e mutual understandg, e encouragements, our thots n ideals..sadly, our frenship now lies in ruins fr yrs o neglect..do wan to mend it but havent found e courage to tk tt first step..

yea..bein in self-denial for the past 3 yrs doesnt help..i juz wanna start the whole frenship afresh..e hurts n scars r still there but it's mendg..perhaps it wun b as perfect as b4..but i really do hope to b able to face him as b4..askg him how he has been..whether he has a gf already?if he has..gd for him..i'l give him my blessings..it's been a long while..let's forget n move on..i dowan to mourn over my lost love or lost frenship..cos i noe tt i still treasure tt frenship we once shared..n i noe tt God has shown me a whole new chapter aft our breakup..it's juz 1 of those things we hafta go thru in life..n i noe the Lord has grter plans in store for me..heh..God's best..not 2nd best:)

In love with my Fathers..:)

yest nite as i was lying in bed waiting to fall aslp, i was thinkg of my daddy..how time flies manz!so fast i'm 21 n he's gonna b 60 in a few yrs time..it's quite frightening how time flies wout u knowing it..

sorta teared alil as i thot of him..dunno y everytime i think of my daddy tears'l juz automatically well up in my eyes..haha..haf heard of "????" but not "??"..yea..mayb hor..but sumtimes i wonder do i love my daddy or mummy more?i guess i love them the same..juz in different aspects..i respect daddy alot!since young he has been my role model..lotsa things n decisions i mk r influenced by him..i've always aspired to b as zai as him..1 of my regrets perhaps was the decision not to enter rgs n go on to rjc..but i guess if i did, i wld not b me anymore..my life experiences wld haf changed..so i cant entirely say it is a regret either..it's juz tt fr young, i've always wanted to b lyk him, a true blue rafflesian..in the rugby team, house captain etc..

perhaps my strong pride n perfectionist character was moulded because of this aspiration to b lyk my daddy..so whenever i think of myself, i'l ask myself if i can become lyk him..there's still lotsa rm for improvement..but i really hope i can mk it in life cos i wan to c him proud of me..nth beats the pride i c in his eyes when i do well:)i noe he always says it's my own life, i can live it in wateva way i wan..but i noe tt he always wans the best for me n because of tt he has sacrificed alot..

heh..was thinkg of wat present to get him..n tim gave me a rather gd idea..i dun think he needs any material things fr me cos he definitely has far more ability than me to buy wateva he wans..aft exams i shall write a long letter to him..expressing my heartfelt thots..haha..but i bet every line wld b tear-smudged cos cfm will cry..even now as i blog, tears juz keep flowing..haha..but it's nth bad lah..juz tears of love n ??..

but y i'm writing this entry is not cos of the above..but cos while i was thinkg of my daddy n tryin to suppress my tears, it struck me abt my love for God..i love my daddy so much so tt i shed tears when i think of him..yet i dun do tt for my Father in Heaven..i was alil ashamed cos it's my Father up there hu has provided me w everythg i haf on earth..so as i laid in bed, i prayed..i prayed tt i cld develop a love for HIM so deep tt everytime i think o HIM, i'l tear..not cos i'm sad, but cos i truly love HIM w all my heart, soul n mind..when i think of my daddy's sacrificing love for the family n me, i shd also think of God's unfailing love for me..

heh..ppl may think i'm mad to compare an intangible father who has not given me anythg physically or rt in my face w my daddy who has showered me w love fr the time i was born..but sumhow as i teared for my daddy, it juz struck me how shallow my love for God is..how can i say i love HIM when i seem to love the world more?it's a difficult decision..one story in e bible which impacted me was the story where Jesus told the man , "Follow me, and let the dead bury their own dead." (Matt 8:22) when he wanted to bury his father..it juz shows tt if we wanna follow Jesus, we've gotta b prepared to give up our worldly lives..including our families if there is a must!but am i really prepared to do such a thing?mayb by my own i wun haf the courage..but if i were sent on missions overseas w my other half, i think i wld try..w alot of praying of cos..cos it really tks alot of courage..

Prayer Point: Lord, i juz pray tt juz lyk how i love my earthly father, i'l learn to love u more n more..i dowan to juz say i love u Abba Father..but i wanna put it into action too..it takes alot..mayb even sacrifices along the way..but Lord i juz pray tt U'll grant me the courage to step out in faith out of my comfort zone n trust tt u'll provide:) I thank u for UR providence so far in my life..i noe tt these were by ur hand, not by the world..everythg in life is in ur plans..there r ups n downs but thru it all i noe u haf nvr forsaken me n i thank u for seeing me thru to where i am now..In Jesus most precious name i pray, Amen..

hAppIe bDaY DADDY!!:)

Happie Bday DADDY!!!:)heh..finally called him at 10pm..wanted to call him last nite at midnight but scared he slping..then wanted to call today but heard he's in phillipines so scared he bz w meetgs etc so din call..heh..yar..was grt to wish my daddy happie bday!:)

started watchg a new taiwanese drama called "?????"..quite long 27vcds..heh..dunno when will finish..def not today..mayb tmr ba?haha..so naughty..i shd b studying!!argh!!!

oh well..tmr's haf jap ppr is in e afternoon..ganbatte!!!heh..hafta wake up early ard 8 to go down to hall c to pray for sherwyn,tim n sam for their auditing ppr..hope it wun b a difficult one for them:pyup so gonna slp earlier today i hope..